Not many pastors or people in ministry can be honest about how they really feel. I choose to unload it on my blog. Some may say that is not wise. Others have commented on how refreshing it is. All I know is I found a voice that was stifled, and it came out by way of divorce and counseling. I found a healthy form of authenticity that has opened doors for personal ministry that would have otherwise been possible.
For the last several weeks, my attention was turned a different direction. I had been in contact with a church in the area about a position that would have necessitated a miracle, but I investigated this open door. I met some really great people and experienced some things I would not have experienced without this opportunity. It was the most unusual interview process. Halfway through, I sensed that I was not a good fit. Nevertheless, I wanted to make sure it was not personal insecurity speaking. When I sat down with the chairman of the committee, it was a refreshingly honest and professional discussion. It is a great ministry, and I know God will send the right person in His time. It still leaves me with this one question – How do I fit into God’s kingdom work at this stage of life?
This season has tested my willingness. I drove 3 1/2 hours once to preach with no idea of how God would take care of expenses. He took care of everything. While churches are gracious to give a small financial contribution, I have found greater joy in going where I knew the church could not provide compensation or would not. I discovered how much I had bought into the professional ministry mentality that my experience and training was worth a certain dollar amount. Honestly, it amounts to a student loan debt that I will never live to pay. Another honest statement – the early disciples were mightily used of God and some had no education. I am not putting a premium on ignorance, but nothing beats learning directly from God.
Another bump in the road has been a virus that was passed around the home. It has lingered with me for nearly 2 weeks. It forced me to slow down and rethink some things. I don’t have much figured out at this point. I do know that I don’t want to miss God’s open doors while I’m creating different ones in my mind.
I still know that these are in my heart:
But I also know that passion does not always equal calling. This may be a totally different season, and I’m missing the big picture. I asked for your continued prayers. Many of you have been reading this stuff faithfully for the last 3 1/2 years and have encouraged me more than you’ll ever know. When all is said and done, I just want to know that I have done God’s will for my life.